Motivate Your Child to Try New Foods
We all know that using small rewards can have a big pay-off in motivating kids to learn and exercise new skills. I know so many families that used M&M’s to help teach toileting. In our house, Elmo songs helped us encourage hair washing (a dreaded reality of taking a bath!). I grew up earning a small allowance for doing household chores. …the applications are endless.
And yet, many of us have probably had an experience that made us think that rewards, sometimes referred to as positive reinforcers, don’t always work. Like… why did the sticker chart fall by the wayside? Or, how did I get into a position where my child seems to think every behavior warrants a prize? …How come I have to offer a handful of M&Ms for my child to be satisfied when it used to take only 1?
As someone who encourages families to use rewards to help kids try new foods, I’d like to answer those puzzling questions.
Because at the heart of it, I believe this: Positive reinforcement is one of the most well-known tools in the parenting toolbox (as it should be), AND I think that how tricky it is to use effectively or sustainably is very overlooked.
So, let’s get to remedying that!
In order to understand why positive reinforcement didn’t work, or where it fell off the tracks, it’s helpful to think about the features that make it effective in the first place.
Behavior nerds have known for years that there are 4 things that govern how effective a reinforcer will be.
Here are those 4 things:
Let’s dive into each one and talk about some examples of where things can go wrong (and right!).
1. Deprivation.
Ok, so, the word deprivation sounds awful. What mom has ever thought: Let me go deprive my child so that I can reward them? No mom, ever.
Just calling that out.
For the record, that’s really not the idea. Deprivation does not mean deprive your child of something so that you can give them that thing later. The idea is actually that you want to identify something that your honey would like to earn, and then, simply stop to consider whether that item would be worth earning for your child. For example, if you want to reward your child with TV time, but you realize that your honey already receives lots of TV time every day, then earning TV probably won’t be very enticing. So, you would move on to another idea.
Now, if, in working through this selection process of trying to identify a reward, you realize your child already has full access to all of the things, then, you might need to purchase something new or slowly phase out a toy. ….and this, “phasing out a toy,” I admit, is kind of like depriving your child of something so you can use it as a reward. (I’m sorry!) BUT, I only suggest that you do this if your honey is like those Berenstein Bears when Mama Bear realized their TV time had gotten out of control, and they forgot they liked all of their other toys!
Unless you are in that situation, just pick something your honey will like that they don’t already get a lot of.
Now that you know what deprivation is, let me give you an example of getting it right and getting it wrong:
Deprivation done the right way:
Tabitha selects a reward for her son that he loves: a stuffed dino that he only sees at bath time. Since he typically only gets the dino in his bath a few times a week, she knows that he will be really enthused to earn it during the daytime. She begins to reward him with a few minutes of playtime with the dino each day at lunch if he touches a new food on his plate. He’s been doing this a lot! After lunch, dino goes back to the bathroom, and her son waits until bath time to see the dino again.
Deprivation done the wrong way:
Tabitha selects her son’s favorite truck as a reward. Her son’s truck lives in his bedroom and he can play with it freely whenever he wants. She is using the truck as a reward during lunchtime. Sometimes when he comes to lunch, he is transitioning from playing with the trucks in his room. He doesn’t seem very interested in earning the truck and has not been touching his foods. Her son often shows interest in the truck again after lunch when it is freely available in his room.
2. Immediacy.
Can you imagine waiting until after a football game was over to applaud for something a player did in the first quarter? How much of your enthusiasm would have dissipated by that time? Would the player even know what play you were applauding? Would you still want to provide accolades if the game was lost?
Unlike deprivation, the concept of immediacy is quite simple. Basically, if you are using rewards with your child, you want to offer the reward as immediately after they’ve done what you’ve asked as possible. This ensures that they know exactly which behavior you are rewarding and that their motivation is high.
Immediacy done the right way:
Miss Sydney wants her students to have at least 1 bite of a new food at morning snack. So, each time she sees a student take a bite of something new during that time, she gives the student a choice from her prize box.
Immediacy done the wrong way:
Miss Sydney wants her students to have at least 1 bite of a new food at morning snack. She promises that students who try a bite of something new can participate in a popcorn party at the end of the month.
3. Size
When offering a reward to your child, you’ll want to make sure that you’re offering an amount of that reward that is satisfying to your child. This is highly individual. What might be an adequate size reward for one child, may not be adequate for another. Some kids are satisfied with 1 mini chocolate chip. Some need a handful of the regular-sized ones. Some kids might love seeing a 2-minute YouTube video, another child might need 10 minutes.
The only way to truly know the size of the reward that is worthwhile for your child is through trial and error. If your child has the skills to talk it over with you, ask them for their opinion.
Size done the right way:
Maria is helping her daughter Yolanda learn to sit at the table for meals. She offers her daughter 2 minutes of special playtime with her if Yolanda sits at the table for 1 minute. Maria finds that Yolanda takes some time to settle into their play together and isn’t really enjoying herself until after they have played for 1 whole minute. Yolanda is also not regularly sitting at the table for 1 whole minute. Therefore, Maria tries to increase special playtime to 3 minutes. Since making this change, Yolanda has met her goal 3 days in a row, and seems to enjoy the special playtime more than she did when it was only 2 minutes. Yolanda still takes a little time to settle into the special play, but has more time overall to play enjoyably with Maria.
Size done the wrong way:
Maria is helping her daughter Yolanda learn to sit at the table for meals. She offers her daughter 1 goldfish cracker if Yolanda sits at the table for 1 minute. Yolanda met her goal twice last week, ate the goldfish cracker, and then cried for more crackers. Maria continues to offer 1 cracker for sitting a minute at the table. She is hoping that Yolanda will start meeting her goal again this week.
4. Contingency
Last but not least, contingency. If you’ve used positive reinforcement in the past, and it didn’t work out, there is a good change contingency had something to do with it. Contingency is simple in concept but so hard in real life.
Here’s how you do it right: Only offer your honey the reward IF they do the behavior you have asked.
Yes, it sounds so simple, but it is truly, so hard! This can fall off the rails in so many ways.
Here are some examples:·
Your child didn’t complete the behavior you asked but they tried their best, so, you gave them the reward.
Your child didn’t complete the behavior, but they could see the reward sitting there. They wanted it soooo badly, and you felt awful withholding it. So, you offered it anyways.
Your child did not do what you asked but the reward was too special to cancel (e.g., time with grandma, a trip to the ice cream shop, etc.), so, you let your honey have it.
Uh-huh. Real life makes simple concepts real hard sometimes. For that reason, I have some ideas to help uncomplicate contingency.
Remember that the reward you are offering is to help stretch your child to do something you know they can do. If they don’t achieve it the first time, that’s okay! You can still celebrate! You can offer praise, you can call grandma and grandpa, you can make a big deal about your honey’s effort, and you can remind your child that with effort like that, they are going to earn their prize in no time!
If, on the other hand, you learn through this process that your child’s effort is not getting them closer to success, you can readjust what you are asking them to do so they can be successful.
Don’t offer rewards that YOU would be disappointed to forgo giving. If something is really special, plan it, and do it! Don’t make it contingent on any certain thing your child does.
Contingency done the right way:
Hannah would like her son Billy to use his fork instead of his fingers to eat. She tells him that if he practices using his fork 2 times in a meal he can have time in the kiddie pool right after the meal. Billy loves using his kiddie pool and has started trying to use his fork more at mealtimes. Still, sometimes Billy uses his fork only 1 time at meals. Hannah only offers time in the kiddie pool after meals if Billy uses his fork 2 times.
Contingency done the wrong way:
Hannah would like her son Billy to use his fork instead of his fingers to eat. She tells him that he can earn time at the park if he uses his fork twice in a meal. Sometimes when Billy does this, it’s raining out or she doesn’t have time to take him to the park, so, they don’t go. Billy is not making much progress on using his fork.
Uff-dah! That was a lot of info. If you made it this far, thank you for reading. As a summary, I have all the most important things you need to know and remember about making your rewards effective in this happy little infographic here. I’ve also included a reference if you’d like to go to the source!
Related Resources:
Want to learn more about positive reinforcement?
Maybe you want to take a deep dive into how to use reinforcement and other behavior change tools with your child. Well, then, I have two favorite books for you! I can’t decide which I like more: this one or this one.
This is not medical advice and is provided for educational purposes. As I describe here, a thorough assessment by a team of professionals before making mealtime changes is best practice.
